Marta arrives tired of working without crossing with Luis, her partner, who started her shift an hour ago. They agree little time at home and when they do, the opportunity to have sex seems to be not a priority for one of the two, too exhausted and with more desire to devote time to other chores.
Marta and Luis’s story is just one example of a possible cause of sexual incompatibility in the couple, although, as Carme Sánchez Martín, clinical psychologist and sexologist at the Serrate & Ribal Urology Institute points out , sexual incompatibility can come for many reasons, since one has a sexual dysfunction, until sexual relations do not work because one has more desire than the other , for lack of communication in the couple or for the moment of having them, that is, due to the circadian rhythm of people, a part of the couple may be more diurnal and another part more nocturnal (some prefer to do it late at night and others at first in the morning). This is a problem when adding very different schedules that lead to that incompatibility.
“On many occasions, personal expectations are simply not met and frustration arises; other times the lack of dialogue in this area means that we don’t really learn what our partner likes or doesn’t like . People live surrounded by myths and legends of what sex is and the experience of each one is very diverse, this generates bad habits and distances us from a healthy and enriching sexuality ”, adds Jesús E. Rodríguez, director of the Murciano Sexological Institute .
The problem is that if these situations occur with relative frequency and always in the same direction “the member of the rejected couple may end up obsessing with the subject and showing some sexual hyperactivity, he would come to adopt the role of hunter,” explains Rodriguez. “On the part of the person who does not feel like it appears an anxiety and discomfort for the sex that ends up aggravating these differences even more . You can feel like a prey and in the most serious cases, every time your partner approaches you live it as an aversive experience, ”says the expert, who points out that we should start to worry and find a solution if the frequency of Sexual intercourse is less than 4 times a month and their quality is poor for any of the members.
Learning to negotiate
There are more and more tools and experts that can help solve these problems. Sánchez Martín starts with three aspects:
One of the problems that couples may have comes from the concept of desire. In today’s society there is a belief that desire has to be intrinsic and born from within. “It does not take into account the active desire, which one part of the couple can cause in the other and in itself. The desire can come in different ways, you have to normalize it , insists the specialist.
The sexologist describes that there are situations that do not demand relationships until the desire is very great, when in reality small situations can be those that cause an erotic sensation. “In consultation they tell me: I wish to wish . And what it is about is wishing to have pleasure with that person and having fun with her, not so much having that desire. ”
The weight of household chores can also have an impact on libido.
“If the two work outside the home, and one of the two (usually the woman) is the one who assumes the housework, an imbalance arises. The solution is to agree on a distribution of housework so that the two have a certain amount of decompression time when they arrive from work and that makes it easy to be calm on the couch. It is important to remember that a sexual relationship begins when the previous one ends, it is not only the space in which you enter the bed or where you touch your partner when you are on the sofa, the rest also influences, ”he adds.
“ Dialogue is the best drug for sex, ” says Rodríguez. Both place special emphasis on this aspect: in talking with the couple from sincerity to understand well what happens to the other and find a solution.
“It’s about having a constructive, not destructive conversation. It is not about finding a culprit, but of explaining how we feel and from there agreeing, ”adds Sánchez Martín. “In all relations agreements are established. For example, this Sunday we go to my parents’ house for dinner and the next to mine. And in sex it seems that agreement is fatal. We can agree on vacations, why not sex? ”
The current rhythm, where the social life of each individual collides in some cases with life as a couple, also makes it difficult to find moments of intimacy and these agreements can alleviate the situation. “We can propose a Saturday to dedicate to the couple. It is not about saying today at 8 we have sex , but we do spend an afternoon to be together, so it is easier to emerge. It is programmed, but openly. These agreements also help one not to have the feeling that he always gives in and the other that he is always asking. ”
Finally, the director of the Murciano Sexological Institute, remember that it is important not to let this situation pass by waiting for it to resolve itself . “If the issue becomes one more area of conflict for the couple, and is not addressed from sincerity and tranquility, it tends to get complicated and pending accounts begin to accumulate and then end up coming out. In many cases, couples ask for help when the problem is already very advanced, which makes it difficult for the professional to act, ”he concludes.